About This Blog

Rated P is a sketch comedy musical about parenthood celebrating the wonders & lunacy of raising kids from conception to college. This blog, written by Rated P's author & lyricist, Sandy Rustin, offers up a humorous and heartfelt look at the nitty gritty business of parenting.



Wednesday, January 29, 2014

All You Need to Know About the Work/Life Balance

I've been reading a lot lately on the work/life balance struggle (crisis?) of women who have "children they love" and "professions worth continued pursuit." It's reminded me of Ava Neyer's terrific post about the contradictory theories of sleep training a baby.

I thought I'd take the info I've gathered, and compile it for you here. 

Could You Imagine Posing For This Picture?

All You Need to Know About the Work/Life Balance

Women with children can have it all. No one knows what all is. All is having healthy, well adjusted children that you have plenty of time to care for AND a career where you feel accomplished, successful and well compensated.

Women who have it all are having sex with their spouse 1-2x per week or else they openly discuss it calmly over an organic supper.

Women who try to have it all, fail. No one can have it all: especially women. Scratch that. Especially women with children. If you don't try to have it all, you're selling yourself short. If you do already have it all, don't talk about it or the women who don't have it all will judge you and hate you. If you don't have it all, pretend you do because recently the "fake it til you make it" concept was scientifically proven. No one should talk about who does or does not have it all because people will judge you. Odds are you're lying anyway because women are not honest. If you want an honest answer, ask a woman.

To lead a more balanced life go to bed early. Wake up early. Read in bed even if it means going to bed later. Get more sleep even if it means sleeping later in the morning. Exercise when you first wake up. Exercise before you go to bed. Try to squeeze in a workout while the baby is napping. If you don't have a baby, you should be back to your pre-baby weight. Love yourself as you are. Extra pounds around the middle put you at high risk for diabetes and heart disease. Balanced women eat balanced meals. Just because someone seems to have it all, doesn't mean they don't eat McDonald's with regularity. McDonald's will ultimately kill you even if you're balanced. McDonald's every so often is harmless. Unless you need your heart to function properly. Then whatever you do, don't eat McDonald's.

Put a slice of lemon in your water for optimal daily health. Lemon slices are very high in potentially fatal bacteria. Do not put lemons in your water.

Women who work part time definitely don't have it all because their time is too divided. If you're seeking more balance, seek a part-time job. Sometimes just dipping your toes into your profession is more than enough to whet your whistle. It's all or nothing or a man will take your job. Lean in. Lean out. Lean to the side and stretch-2-3-4. And the other side-2-3-4. And center. Slowly roll up.

Men are seeking work/life balance too. How come no one is talking about that? Men should shut up because statistically they still make more money than women. By 2015 women will be the majority breadwinners in American families. Women can do men's jobs better than men. Unless they have children. Then men are better. Unless they have children. Then computers are really effective. Unless they have a glitch. Then call 1-800-FIX-DATA.

The key to the work/life balance is competent, dependable childcare. Don't leave your children with a stranger. Women who leave their children with their mothers are living in the past. People were happier in the past. The future is where it's at. Welcome to the future. There are babysitters available everywhere. Ads on the sides of city buses are effective ways to find an appropriate babysitter. Unless you personally know five people who have used a babysitter do not use her. Unless it's an emergency. Then call that teenager next door. He's probably sober. Sobriety is the key to a well balanced life. 1-3 glasses of wine per week is recommended for overall relaxation. Or Xanax. If you're well balanced you won't need drugs. Taking drugs is crucial for a well balanced life.

Women don't need to cook any more. Slow cookers can do it. Your slow cooker is in your attic collecting dust. Take it out and make some stew for the party you're hosting on Super Bowl Sunday. Real cooks don't use slow cookers. Slow cookers is code for men. Men watch the Super Bowl for the GoDaddy ads. Go Daddy is what your kids say when your husband does a funny dance. Naked women in Super Bowl ads have it all.

Show more cleavage. Don't be such a slut. Using sexuality will not get you much after age 40. Pretend you're not 40. Here's some eye cream. It's one million dollars. Going into debt for eye cream is fine. If you're in debt, stop what you're doing and get out of debt. Here are 5-7-10-35 ways to get out of debt in the new year. Balanced women are not in debt. The average 35 year old American woman carries a debt. Don't overspend. You need those shoes.

Get on your hands and knees and play with your kids. Your children need to learn independence by playing alone. Don't change your clothes when you come home from work. Snuggle your kids first. Now your blouse is stained and torn? Work more so you can buy more blouses.

Balanced women have pets. Don't get a dog. It's a huge time suck and expense. Every child needs a dog. Get pet insurance or you're fucked when your dog gets cancer.

To lead a balanced life, meditate. Breathe in. Breathe out. You can meditate while driving. Over 50% of accidents are caused by distracted drivers.

Finding the work/life balance does not prevent death. Laughter prolongs life. It's important to cry. If you're laughing or crying too much, try Xanax.

That about sums it up. I know where I fall on the work/life continuum ... But I've learned my lesson so I'll never tell.