About This Blog

Rated P is a sketch comedy musical about parenthood celebrating the wonders & lunacy of raising kids from conception to college. This blog, written by Rated P's author & lyricist, Sandy Rustin, offers up a humorous and heartfelt look at the nitty gritty business of parenting.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Dear Starwood Preferred Guest Customer Service

Dear Starwood Preferred Guest Customer Service,
Well, if I wasn't a Preferred Guest before, I certainly am now. At least, to the window washer outside my hotel window this morning at Westin River North in Chicago.

I'm not an exhibitionist by nature. I consider skinny dipping an enormous adventure. In fact I believe the only times all bets have been off in a public place were during the delivery of my two sons, when to be honest, I would not have cared if a window washer had been dangling precariously outside my window. In the throes of labor & delivery the confines of day to day modesty cease to exist, and any Tom, Dick or Window Washer is at best, unnoticed.

But this morning, I was not in labor. I was simply starting my day; deciding which underpants to wear, when a man appeared outside my 16th floor window. Now granted, he was wearing a yellow helmet and brandishing what might have been a sword if it hadn't been a squeegee, so he did have a super-hero air about him. I'll give him that. But even if he had been Spider-Man himself, that would not have prevented me from throwing my panties in the air, screaming bloody murder and dropping to the ground, naked and panicked.

Lying naked on a hotel floor is disgusting. I know your housekeeping staff takes great care to keep the hotel clean, so please, take no offense. But it's a fact, Jack. No one should ever set their bare tush on hotel carpet. You've seen CSI. That floor is narsty.

Now please, allow me to give credit where credit is due. The unintentional Peeping Tom perilously swinging in the yellow cage outside my window, was equally startled, and it turns out quite chivalrous. Gentlemanly as all get out, after giving me a quick wink and a smile, he turned his head while I scrambled to an un-viewable corner of the room. I wrapped myself in a sheet and shut the curtains in his face. I hope he didn't think I was being rude.

"Are you OK?" my husband shouted from the shower.

No, Starwood Preferred Guest Customer Service. No, I'm not OK. Before I got out of your (quite comfy) bed this morning, I had no intention of baring it all to a middle-aged man in an orange pinny. You see, far be it from me to assume the gentleman's sexuality, but there was something in his wink & smile, that made me feel quite certain, that moments like the one we shared this morning, are what he might consider, a job perk.

I'm not entirely sure what I expect you to do to rectify my moment of uninvited exposure, but I felt I'd be remiss to not share with you my experience, in the hopes that other Starwood guests don't find themselves face to boob with a window washer too.

All the best,

Sandy Rustin Fleischer

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